


Wanting

by Clairianne



Category: Heavy Rain
Genre: And Blake is confused, But not exactly, Falling In Love, How Do I Tag, I Don't Even Know, I'm Sorry, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Norman is desperate, and it's some kind of fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-11
Updated: 2015-10-11
Packaged: 2018-04-25 21:53:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4977901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clairianne/pseuds/Clairianne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>But since the beginning, there are brief moments when he’s feeling something. </p><p>Initially it was anger and pure hatred, filling his body with soreness and heat. He was screaming and cursing, but always glad that he still can, the sight of that one person reminding him he’s able to feel, like normal human being.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wanting

Dark sky above, shining city below, it’s all that matters. Sitting on the car hood, he doesn’t pay attention to cold, autumn air or the thick silence around him. That’s why he’s here; for coldness and equanimity, cigarettes smoked in solitude and it’s butts thrown down, as they could burn the city.   
  
Norman Jayden hates Philadelphia with it’s hazy people and grey weather and constant rash of suiciders, psychopaths and serial killers. That city kills him, at the same time not letting him go, not allowing him to end his suffering in any way. He’s living through never-ending nightmare, where neither chemical stimulation nor psychological intervention helps. 

He hates  Philadelphia , but always comes back there anyway, not feeling anything but meaninglessness of his being. Running away as often as he can, he stays on that hill, where there’s only the sky above, the city below and cigarette smoke around.

But since the beginning, there are brief moments when he’s feeling something.   
  
Initially it was anger and pure hatred, filling his body with soreness and heat. He was screaming and cursing, but always glad that he still can, the sight of that one person reminding him he’s able to feel, like normal human being.  
  
Anger was present for a very long time, imperceptibly transformed into exasperation, then desperation. The last feeling is new, annoying, constant. He tried to fight it, telling himself being devoid of feelings is better than _wanting_.But it grows, filling with tension and heat his slender form, to the point when he’s now; running away, yet hoping to be found.  
  
By the only person wanting to find him.  
  
That feelings led him to the point he’s now; on the wilderness, with steam coming out from his mouth and anticipation in heart. And thinking that _he can’t be wrong._  
  
Finally, he hears quiet crackle of crushed, frozen grass behind him. Familiar, solid form appears nearby. When Norman looks up, he encounters resigned look and hears well known, irritated sigh. Despite the lack of friendliness in his companion’s eyes, he feels relief. _He is found._  
  
_It’s now or never_ , he thinks in the same time, _the end or the beginning_.  
  
“You found me”, he says eventually, with new cigarette between his fingers.  
  
“You knew I will find you, Jayden”, he hears, rough and careless voice breaking the silence of his thoughts. “I showed you that place, you should fucking try harder”  
  
Norman looks up, eyes focused in the silhouette next to his car, black coat merging with darkness behind. He’s feeling the piercing gaze moving through his body, but it’s too dark to see familiar, hazel color of man’s iris.

“You also know I wanted to be found, Blake”, he says bluntly, inhaling bitter smoke with thoughtfulness.  
  
“I just knew you’re up to something”, Blake replies, leaning on a car hood next to him and taking cigarette from his hand. “And I knew I need to find you, so you won’t do any stupid shit you like doing”, he puts the cigarette between lips, inhales deeply, and Norman acts as he isn’t looking.  
  
With silence between them, Norman focuses on city lights and solid, warm form beside him. He can feel as his natural indifference transforms into despair, so known recently. He feels that heat inside, but it doesn’t give him any relief, only more tension and thoughts like _when will it be over?_  
  
“I wasn’t hiding, I knew you’ll be the only person looking for me”, he says, but his voice comes out as weak, broken. “Since the beginning you were the only one who wants to do this. That’s why we’re here, anyway”

“For what, exactly?”, Blake responds in a minute, his cigarette butt covering the same distance as Jayden’s. His calm is false, Norman can notice that. 

“For verification”, he’s looking at Carter now. Eyes accustomed to the darkness are seeing the man he lived through hell with, now being older and more tired, but still unmoved, still sure. “How long ago did you show me this place?”

Blake is looking at him, too, with surprise as the only emotion in focused eyes. He knows that with Norman, there is no small talk; he always goes strict to the point.  
  
“A year, maybe”, he says eventually. “It was Friday, the same day as you left Philadelphia and I thought I’d never seen you again”  
  
“But I came back”, Norman is looking at the lights in the distance again. “Every time, I came back. And every time, we met here. Right now, I came back for the last time”  
  
Blake straightens instantaneously.  
  
“What are you talking about?”, there is no composure in his voice now. Norman silences him instantaneously. 

“I want to know, right now, Carter”, he isn’t looking at the older man, his voice certain. “Do you want me?”

“What?”, Blake says not quite consciously, looking oblivious.  
  
“We’re both adults, Carter, don’t be like that”, Norman is still surprised that his nervousness is nowhere to be seen. “I know you were craving for me even before our hatred for each other... But I’m asking you, if after everything…”, he does a little pause here, looking away. “After the case and my breakdowns and rehab and my disappearances, do you still... do you still want me? Will you still want to help me and want to find me here after my vanishing?”

It is no response from Blake, who is looking at Norman with something like fear in his eyes. It lasts few moments, and when younger man didn’t get any words back, he starts speaking once again, quieter now.  
  
“You can have me now. I know you waited for so long, you looked at me all those times I was too deep into shit for nobody to care and help me… but you were always there, trying to help and waiting… I knew you were wondering if I'll ever be ready. But you were so dazzled with waiting that you haven’t noticed I started to want, too”, he closes his eyes, with mixed expressions on his face, air more colder than before, unnoticed. “You can have me, and I want you to have me, because now, after everything, you know everything about me, you know in what type of shit you are getting yourself into. So, you have a choice: you can leave me here and now… or, if you pretty sure you want me… You can”, it is a pause, again. “It’s now, or never, Carter”, he stops suddenly, feeling motion next to him. When he opens his eyes, Blake is in front of him, with hands on both sides of his body, looking unsure, but leaning.  
  
His eyes need to say their permission, because in a moment he’s feeling Blake’s breath on his lips. Unconsciously, he raises a hand, touching the face in front of him, all those wrinkles and small cuts and elusive charm. He’s doing it gently, and receives small, unsure smile. It is too much going on in the same time to concentrate; warm breath on his lips, the sensation of Blake’s knee between his legs sends cold shivers to his spine... But he needs to pay attention now, at that moment.

  
Nothing matters now. There are only soft lips on his, tasting and nibbling, more demanding from one touch to another; soft hair under his fingertips; those lips, full and warm and _intoxicated_.  
  
After a while he’s almost lying on his car’s hood, with careful hands on both sides of his body, searching, trying to find a rhythm.  
  
Norman knows he’s screwed when he feels Carter’s tongue on his lips, sharp teeth teasing the bottom lip, the kiss, open mouthed, desperate. He doesn’t think about the place they’re in, or embarrassing sounds coming out from his mouth. He just pulls Carter closer, wanting to feel more skin to skin sensation. He tries to pull the shirt out of Blake’s trousers, but in the same time man breaks the kiss. Breathing heavily, Blake still keeps him close, resting their forehead together.  
  
“You’re driving me crazy, Jayden”, he pants, looking deeply in Norman’s eyes, dazed.  
  


“So just do it”, he replies, in not better condition. “Let me…”  
  
“The fuck, no!”, Blake’s kissing him once again, as if he couldn’t stop it. “I waited for so long, I can wait a little bit longer”  
  
But they are kissing again, constantly interrupting, not wanting to do too much, in the same time not wanting to be apart. Not when they can feel each other, fully, for the first time.  
  
“Fuck… I’m taking you home, Jayden... like, right now”, Blake says, parting eventually, still looking at Norman as he is one and only person in the entire universe worth looking at. “But you need to drive with your car, there is no fucking way I’m getting to one car with you in this state and cause some accident...”

“I can understand your demand”, he replies, but approaches Carter once again, kissing him once, then twice, until his companion growls impatiently and pushes him away, still looking and smiling, not believing.  
  
In a car, Norman tries to calm his too fast beating heart. The moment needs to pass for him to notice that he’s smiling. He hoped that night would roll like this, but he didn’t have too much hope.  
  
It was hard for him, when they were working together for the first time, to even tolerate Blake. Then, unexpectedly, he starts to like him…  and then all that mixed feelings of craving and _love_ came, and he was totally lost.  
  
He still is, the same moment he lost sight of Blake. Driving through empty streets is killing him; he’s still over thinking his choices. When he’s finally in front of Carter’s house, the desperation returns. However, it’s enjoyable kind of desperation, especially when he sees the man in front of the door, looking at him with the same feelings.  
  
Blake opens the door, Jayden is next to him. Immediately they’re kissing and trying to undress each other, the same time leading the way to bedroom. Carter is not helping, drawing Jayden closer, stopping few times just to enjoy the closeness, the heat, the new feelings filling them.  
  
Norman can admit that he’s feeling like in high school. Everything seems to be new to him, like that desperate making out, lack of shame of being naked, shameless pleasure and wanting to share the happiness with other person.  
  
When they’re finally making it to bed, everything starts to be more passionate, sincere, full of love and desire. They’re making out loudly, then making love sweetly, as Norman always wants, but never finds anyone who will make him feeling as he can explode from only gently touches and fierce look in hazel eyes.  
  
And after everything, when they’re lying on a sticky bedclothes and exchange lazy kisses, Norman is feeling as he is wanted, and he wants in the same time.  
  
  


  
  
He wakes up when the cold, bright light of overcast sky outside the window starts to be impossible to unnoticed. He starts to feel unfamiliar with that window in wrong place, and too thin covers. In his blurry mind, he remembers he spent night with Carter, in Carter’s, most night even _on_ Carter.  
  
First thing he’s thinking about is just running away from responsibilities. He can just leave older men right here, taking his things and just leaves Philadelphia, never coming back. He’d done such things a few times before, and he’s still sure he can do that.  
  
But then, the more he awakens, the more he founds this idea stupid. He is feeling tired, with that long forgotten way of wobbly limbs and spinning head. He hadn’t done this for too long, he thinks, touching the place he knows he has a hickey in; he knows it’s very high schoolly, but still pleasurably kind of reminder. He isn’t the person wanting to be marked, like, never, but this time, he wants to do an exception. Even if he’s not young anymore and it’s not the best way to behave.  
  
Other thing he’s feeling is almost hot, rough hand, placed gently on his belly. Carter is still deep asleep, not making any sound, probably worn out after the night.  
  
Norman can’t fight with smile. He turns over and hugs the man, placing his palm on his tousled hair, puts his lips to his forehead, placing small kiss there. After few minutes, he is feeling more pressure insert in embracing him, and then bright, hazel eyes are opening.  
  
“‘morning”, he hears; the first word after everything sounds refreshing. Blake’s voice is rough with sleep, but kind and resonant.  
  
“Hello”, he responds, still smiling, looking on Carter’s eyes. “It’s a little bit weird, isn’t it? We. Here. Together after such a long time”  
  
Blake smiles in return, tracing small circles in naked body of Norman’s thigh.  
  
“It is. But it had to end this way. We needed to find each other”  
  
They’re lying for a long time like that, only light touches and smiles. Then, Blake’s smile disappears in a moment, his face grimaces as if he reminds himself of something. “I just thought… what do you wanted to say by yesterday’s ‘I came back for the last time’?”, he is serious, in a way Norman frowns.  
  
“I…”, he starts, not allowing older man to move back, still hugging him. “I wanted to say, that my bosses from Washington wanted me to make a decision, if I want to stay here, or move back to my old place. After everything what happened… I knew the only way for me to stay here is with you... or I would just forget about everything and come back to Washington. That’s why I wanted you to find me. I wanted to make sure you will be the part of my life, from now on, more than before…”, he can’t say anything more, because he feels hot lips against his, again, and they aren’t talking in a long, long time.  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> It was written as a challenge with my friend, Karolina, and I needed to do that. I hope I was able to capture more desperation than pitifullness. I also needed to give some happiness in their lives. No tears this time. uhh, I don't know.  
> I'm still not the best at english, but I tried. I hope you'll enjoy


End file.
